Feelings...

Do you ever have a feeling that you just need to do something? This morning started rough again. I have to admit I'm really struggling at not being angry. I'm ready for the week to start so that my mind is focused on other things. Anyhow...I didn't want to go home just quite yet. The week does get too busy and I feel guilty about not going to the nursing home to see my stepgrandfather. My man (who has been just awesome in the support department this week) said he didn't care if we all headed out there.

When we got there my stepgrandmother said he had been pretty restless and they had given him some morphine. I went over to talk to him and the boys followed with wide eyes. We talked to Betty awhile and then decided to leave. I was so proud of Gman when we left because he went over to hug Betty without being asked. He said he knew she needed it.

My Dad called a little bit ago and said that Kenny had passed. I'm so glad that I went there this morning and took the boys with me. I have so many feelings running through me at this time. My man and I had a faith discussion this morning and I want to just accept all that has happened as part of his plan that we will never understand. However, I'm angry about my miscarriage and the pain that Kenny had to endure. I'm sad that Kenny is no longer with us, but I'm at peace knowing he isn't suffering anymore. God is with me and he will get me through this if I just focus on him!

Here is a picture of Kenny just a few short months ago. One is one his 80th birthday with all of the great grandkids, and the other is at Christmas. He always made me feel part of the family and will be greatly missed!

Sweet dreams...

As I was scanning blogs before bed last night, I came upon a post titled, "Trust Him for Tomorrow." I quickly clicked on it and read parts of the sermon that this couple had heard in their church last weekend. If I knew more how to give credit to this author, I would. I went to House of Rose and then to EJ &Roo. Anyhow, I read these five points and then went to bed peacefully after a very rough day. My day had gotten worse as I went to the nursing home to see my stepgrandfather. I hadn't been there in a week and was upset by how much he had changed since I was there last with my man. However, these words comforted me beyond measure as I prayed for peace.

1. We WILL face challenges. Sometimes God asks us to endure challenges to get us to a place where he can do future things.
2. We WILL make mistakes.
3. Our work for God will outlive us.
4. God does not always work according to our timeline. We must obey him today and trust him for tomorrow.
5. We will have to make sacrifices. Sometimes God asks us to sacrifice the things we love because he has a plan for us that we'll love more.

Rough Day...

I'm sitting here at school having a rough day. I woke up Wednesday with an overwhelming calm feeling. My faith in God and knowing he does have a plan for me is helping. I think it's also the fact that nothing is really happening yet. I'm not having any bleeding or discharge. I knew a day would come soon when I would break down. Everyone has shared their stories or wishes for me and it's been eye opening as to how common miscarriages really are. I went to school yesterday and was able to talk to others. I felt like I handled myself well.

I hope today is not that day that I break, though. The morning started rough with B in a crabby mood. My man took care of him, but he leaves before we do. B held it together until I dropped him off at school. I just looked at him and said we would deal with it when we got home. I came to my school and was confronted (by a friendly face) and right away I thought I would start crying. My job is providing a distraction (how can 75 giggly first graders not do that?), but it's the quiet times that are hard. Not many people knew at this school, but now I'm headed to a school where everyone knows. I just don't like all the awkwardness...

I just don't know if I can handle the waiting....I may have to call Monday and book the surgery.

More drama...

I really hated to title this blog entry that way, but my man and I never get things right the first time. We broke up for two months before making it work, screwed up not going to a lawyer when we first had the boys, it took two lawyers to get the custody thing done, etc. Today I was devastated to see my baby on the sonogram and have the doctor tell me that it didn't have a heartbeat. I had miscarried....

My man immediately came home more upset than I expected him too. He's supposed to be my rock, not a crumbling mess! I was worried about telling the boys. I wanted to wait awhile on telling them I was pregnant to begin with, but they are old enough to figure out something was going on, so we told them about three weeks ago. Well, they are also old enough to figure out something had happened today before we could tell them. It's hard to sit there and tell them that the doctor didn't know what happened and that I did nothing wrong when I have so many questions. I believe that God has a plan and know I'm not supposed to question why, so I'm just praying that he'll send understanding my way in his time.

I think I'm staying home tomorrow. I can't deal with the decision on whether to wait until the baby passes or have a DNC yet. I have to get another blood test to determine my blood type and make sure that I'm not RH negative anyways. Thanks for all the prayers that have already been sent my way!

I HATE MUD!!!

One of my new year's resolutions was to clean my house on a more regular basis...boy have I made good on that one in the last four days! It's all due to this big baby of mine. Let me introduce Payton. I love her dearly, but would someone like to take her until this thaw is over? I even pulled out the vaccuum before school this morning!

Best wishes.....& prayers

So I said I would post about my stepbrother's wedding and things have just been crazy. It was a BEAUTIFUL, yet simple wedding. They were married at Luthy Botanical Gardens in Peoria. My husband commented to my grandmother that he was overwhelmed by my big family at first, especially since I'm so close to my stepfamily. I don't often refer to my stepbrothers as that, they are my brothers. I'm so excited to call Jill my sister in law! Here are a few pics from the gorgeous day.

Also, those of you who are close to me know that my stepmom's father (my stepgrandfather) is in the hospital and not doing well. I felt well enough to run to the hospital last night and the emotions from losing my grandmother a year ago came rushing back. I just want to make everything better for him. Please keep him in your prayers!